How Do I Tell You "I'm Angry"

Children often don’t recognize anger. Many times they act out before they realize what happened. Identifying early warning signs helps children become more aware of their feelings, which in turn gives them more opportunity to control their responses to these feelings. How can you tell when you’re getting frustrated? How can your children identify frustration before it gets out of control?

Here are some common cues in children which indicate that they are becoming angry and may be about to lose control:

• tensed body

• clenched teeth

• increased intensity of speech or behavior

• unkind words or the tone of voice changes to whining or yelling

• restlessness, withdrawal, unresponsiveness, or being easily provoked

• noises with the mouth like growls or deep breathing

• pouting

• squinting, rolling the eyes, or other facial expressions

Learn to recognize the cues that your child is beginning to get frustrated. Look for signs that come before the eruption. Once you know the cues, begin to point them out to your child. Make observations and teach your child to recognize those signs. Eventually children will be able to see their own frustration and anger and choose appropriate responses before it’s too late. They’ll be able to move from the emotion to the right actions, but first they must be able to recognize the cues that anger is intensifying.

Teach your child to take a break from the difficult situation and to get alone for a few minutes. The size of the break is determined by the intensity of the emotion.

After the child has stepped back and settled down, then it’s time to decide on an appropriate response to the situation.

There are three positive choices: talk about it, get help, or slow down and persevere. Simplifying the choices makes the decision process easier. Even young children can learn to respond constructively to frustration when they know there are three choices. These choices are actually skills to be learned. Children often misuse them or overly rely on just one. Take time to teach your children these skills and practice them as responses to angry feelings.